Well, it’s official - three days, two shots of whiskey, two whiskey gingers, one Irish coffee, three glasses of Prosecco, one Nero’s Temple, several sips of several Manhattan/Rob-Roy combo’s, and two cans of Budweiser later, Boozy McSuze is back on the wagon… and she’s feeling seriously toxic right about now

…and not hot Britney with a snake around her neck kind of toxic, more pre-blackout album bald Britney attacking the paparazi with an umbrella kind of toxic.

I forced my self to go to Yoga this morning to try and counter balance the bad decisions I’ve been making, only to be pinned between the cubbies and the door, with the worst instructor in history, and a cell phone alarm clock going off next to my head for 25 minutes. Just goes to show, betterment is bullshit. I should have slept in.

Came home and got back in bed…

It’s funny, everyone kept asking me how I felt during the Detox, and they would wait with baited breath expecting a response like “Oh, I feel absolutely amaaaaaaaaazzzzzziinnnggg, you should totally try it!”

…what they got instead was something more like,

“Meh…not drinking totally blows, drunk people suck when you’re sober, and I don’t even have the energy to fake a conversation with strangers cause I gave up caffeine.”

I swear based on the immediate facial response, you would have thought I told them that Santa Clause was really just a pervert in a rented suit.

Honestly, I didn’t feel much of a change, I still wanted to sleep until 2pm everyday, and if anything I just turned into a bad movie character, sitting alone on the couch in my sweats eating chocolate watching movies about girls sitting alone in their sweats eating chocolate, until 4am instead of going out for drinks with cute boys…and don’t even get me started on the sexual deprivation induced baking sessions. I’ve never baked so many god damn muffins in my entire life. Can you say, counter productive behavior!

That being said, I say I didn’t feel a change - until this morning, when my body literally rejected my decision to conquer the liquor cabinet the night prior. Every fiber in body just itched with anger and anxiety…I should probably just drink more. You know, to re-acclimate.

Looking back on it, I think I tried to take on way to much at once giving up Booze, men, and coffee as well as taking on a 5 day a week workout regiment, healthy eating, and professional domination was just a disaster waiting to happen. I know I’m an over achiever but seriously! What was I thinking?

BUT I did make it through the Detox 100% successfully…kind of… I caved a little on the middle section, falling into bad habits with boys. Well one boy. But there was no emotional gain, so I don’t think it counts….I mean give me a break. I can avoid coffee and alchohol, but men are everywhere! How was I supposed to say no, that’s like asking a fish to breath out of water…and it turns out, boys really like baked goods, so I was really just killing two birds with one stone.

With only a few hours lingering before the DETOX concludes, I find my self reflecting on the state of my life as of lately - and more importantly determining my next step…

…Do I start with a beer or just go straight for the whiskey?

So I’m steadily coming to the conclusion that this whole not drinking thing is bull shit…AND it’s making me fat. Everyone whose ever claimed that layin’ off the sauce is a perfect way to drop a few LB’s, lied.

I used to enjoy myself after work like a normal 20 something, at a bar socializing with other human beings. I’d casually drown my self-inflicted angst in a shot of Jameson and a PBR, while openly judging the underwhelming and often overbearing “hipster” movement that has so pompously swallowed my generation whole.

Instead, I now go home and eat hershey’s kisses, and curry chicken salad alone in bed, searching for jobs on Craigslist while the TV guide channel loops endlessly in the background.

On the hunt for legitimate opportunities to utilize my photographic skills, I am left sifting through solicitations for “Fun, Fit, Females” interested in “sales & promotional opportunities” ie. sluttin it up for a little extra ca$h money

...hmm I have been known to use my feminine whiles as a means for success in the past, perhaps I should jump on this band wagon…and who knows, maybe I can even arrange for school credit! Oh wait, I’m 26 and I’m not a hooker.

Nine more days.

Started the day off right getting woken up at noon, by two men and a plumber beating down my door. They barged in with a twelve foot ladder and a hefty bag of attitude saying they were there to fix the “leak” which was in no way a leak, as I told them yesterday, rather just condensation dripping from the shotty heating unit above… But after coming home a few days ago to find the hallways transformed into a slip and slide, and a stairwell that looked like Niagra Falls they wanted to avoid another insurance claim and took a better look.

…and what a shame, I was just about to do a Crunch Fitness video in the living room…guess I’ll have to get my ab’s blasted another time.

Came home after work and finished the night off proper, making good out of a bunch of over-ripe bananas…what started as a little midnight bake sesh, pushin out a cool dozen Choco-Chip Banana Nut Muffins before bed…resulted in a battle royal between my eye and a raw egg, a minor explosion involving a bag of flour and a steak knife and a total yield of over four dozen muffins…Probs should have checked the serving size on that recipe before I began. Eek!

Surprised? Not really. I’ve always been much more akin to Betty Page, than Betty Crocker. 

Anyone hungry? I need to get these out of my apartment immediately, before a real muffin top takes form around my waste line…

Just woke up, foggy eyed and a little loopy. Glance across the short dark spans before me to the only source of light in this boiling cave of a room and make out a blurry electric teal 8:51 am beaming back at me. Wow. Really? I feel so rested. Which makes absolutely no sense, seeing as I fell asleep merely four and a half hours prior.

(finally passed out after a 13 hour double around 4:17am while watching horribly cheesy, pseudo entertaining chick flicks On Demand, eating leftover MomoFuku cookies in bed… What a cliche)

I peel the dvd remote off my forehead, roll over and close my eyes again. What a great way to start the new week! - I’m gunna go to 10am Yoga, maybe walk over the bridge, and finally go take pictures in Chinatown. I’ll discover a new place for lunch, maybe buy some new shoes with money I don’t have..

…Distracted by a dim red light beaming under my down comforter, I scramble through endless sheets and pillows to find my phone.  I glance at the clock on my way to opening the bevy of overnight emails - 1:58. What?? ONE FIFTY EIGHT!!!! I fling myself back over, sit up straight, rub my eyes and look again - Oh what the fuck! In my sedated state I apparently read my clock upside-down and backwards. Of course I felt rested, I slept like 10 hours in an incubator!!! Well, there goes half my day.

The obnoxious email alert bings me back to reality, and I read the subject line, “New Year, New You” Ha. Seriously? Am I really awake or is this just some funny joke the fates are playing… The I-Tunes email continues, “Give yourself the boost of motivation you need for those New Years resolutions…” Delete.

Next: Facebook notification - “The only thing getting me through work today is getting updated on your blog. You better write in it today” Oy Vay, you really know how to lay on the Jewish guilt eh, Care?  I see my roommate so little, that she’s had to resort to getting her weekly dose of gossip from the internet…My life is turning into a bad tabloid.

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ALRIGHT YOU WANT AN UPDATE, HERE GOES….

As far as the DDDetox is concerned (No Booze, No coffee, No men) I have maintained true…to two out of the three…DON’T JUDGE! I said it was negotiable from the start..plus if he’s a repeat offender it doesn’t count. #TheThingsWeTellOurselves

TURNS OUT NO BOOZE MAKES SUZE A VERY DULL GIRL…

Thursday Night was my brothers birthday, so naturally after work I got all dolled up and trekked my way over to the West Village to do my part in celebrating…captain no fun over here stayed out until 4:30am, dry as the desert sands, drinking soda water and lemon with nothing but a little herbal refreshment to keep me sated. I forgot how irritating it can be hanging out with random drunks on a sober mind.

BUT IT’S TRULY AMAZING, SEEING WHAT PRIDE AND A LITTLE COMPETITION CAN DO FOR MY WILL POWER.

After surviving the weekly Friday night circus at work, we all went to the pub next door, I needed to decompress and soak up a little (sober) social time before turning into the boring old pumpkin I’m becoming.

All I wanted was to slug a shot of Jameson and a PBR (classy, I know) but pride, and guilt got the better of me…. However - Kate, my competition, caved. (sorry if you’re reading this girl, I have a duty to report the facts.) I gave her a free pass because it was her man’s birthday, but for all intensive purposes, I WON!

GUILT TRIP ALERT: For all you reading this, I hope you know the only reason I didn’t get up on top of that bar and shotgun a beer right then and there, was solely due to my foolish headstrong sense of pride, and inability to accept failure, especially in the face of internet embarrassment…so thanks, YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE!

BACK TO THE REST OF THE RESOLUTION…

I dragged ass back to Yoga’s Inferno last Monday, and made it all the way through class without throwing up or passing out - so yay for me. Did a Crunch fitness video on Wednesday..whoever says working out in your home doesn’t count, tell my abs that, I was like the tin man for two days…felt guilty for not keeping it up the rest of the week… but not guilty enough to do anything about it…They say the turtle wins the race, so adding one day a week will get me to my goal eventually, right?

Sent out a bunch of emails regarding photography opportunities, no response as of yet…gotta love that passive rejection.

Worked a job Wednesday night shooting the People’s Choice Awards NYC Viewing Party for Honey Bunches of Oates. Felt really good to get back behind the lens..not to mention I got to rub elbows with the bronzed beauty, Ms.Dominican Republic 2011, Jealous?

And it’s now 3:24pm, and I am still in bed, in the dark…Happy Carrie?

So it turns out the hot water in my apartment isn’t broken, apparently I’m just the last person in the building to take a shower every day. Tremendous.                      

*An extra special glimpse into my world - I live in Brooklyn, in a 7x10’ room with no windows, in an apartment on the ground floor that is boxed in by cement walls and has worse cell reception than the basement at Riekers.Newly renovated, the walls are a muted gray illuminated by florescent floods. The floors, a dark walnut stained wood meeting metallic aluminum and orange plastic cabinets in the kitchen - this is where Ikea rejects came to die.

My bedroom, being an impromptu add on, encloses the vent meant to distribute heat through the entire living room and kitchen. It’s literally like sleeping in a sauna in the dark - depleting any and all desire to rise before noon, especially when I find my way to bed at the breaking of the dawn. 

…but if you think this new revelation is going to motivate me to get up at 7am just to score a little steam, think again sweetheart. I’d rather freeze.

Picking up my Sunday night slack, let us return to our “Week in Review” :

WEEK 1: January 1st-January 8th -  (Yes, I am aware that a week consist’s of seven days not eight, thank you - but I was exhausted after work last night and found it far more appealing to go to dinner with high school bestie’s and lay around watching reruns of Oprah than to do anything productive, give me a break.)

What we learned about our selves:

-Giving up coffee and diet coke is easier than expected…except when I’m awake, or eating Chinese food…which leads us to a bigger problem; just because leftover egg rolls make for amazing microphones while tormenting my neighbors with poor renditions of “Rock Me Like a Hurricane” in the middle of the afternoon, It’s probably time to put down the chop sticks and add the words MSG, High Fructose Corn Syrup, and Deep fried to the Detox list.

-Giving up alcohol is totally doable, unless you actually enjoy spending time with other people…then, good luck - it’s the worst.

-Giving up men…Just stop talking to them. Even if they flirt with you, just turn and walk away - You may be known as a frigged bitch but at least you can stop worrying whether or not they’ll call you.

…but it’s kind of like when my bike got stolen right after moving here, as soon as it was gone I started noticing all the other bikes out there, hangin out on the street, locked to other bikes, outside the bar, even the scruffy, broken down bikes laying in the ally waiting to be picked apart..ok maybe not the Hobo’s, but god New York is jam packed with seriously attractive men…They should probably just cool out on the good looks, and just find another angle to play, for everyone’s sake.

      THE GAUNTLET - A shameful checklist of the week in passing’s progress…

The Body:

-DETOX - No Alcohol, Coffee, Soda or Men- Can’t say I like it, but I did it!

-Rabbit food over real food - ish…added more color to the repertoire but failed to give up the goods. Need to step it up a notch next week.

-Work out five days a week- Does the actual act of buying a Yoga package count for extra points? …One out of five = epic fail.

-Start taking Vitamins daily- Look Ma I did it! I have successfully swallowed these monster’s every single day…Is it cheating if you’re alterior motive for taking Active Metabolism Vitamin’s is not because you are in fact “active” but because you enjoy the slow release of Guarana into your system? Don’t judge, you know you like it too.

The Mind:

- Read for at least an hour a day - uhhh….

- Enhance cultural life once a week - Does revisiting history through 90’s chick flicks count?

The Career:

- Spend a min. of one day a week taking photographs - Good intentions, fell a little shy on this one.

- Every Monday email 20 industry contact’s- Doesn’t count this week, I made the plan on a Tuesday. Boosh!

-Start working on a long term project/photo story - Out of excuses…

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OVERVIEW: If this were a reality show, I would most likely be the last girl standing awkwardly without a rose…but lucky for me, you bitches can’t vote me off this Island!

I’ll leave you now with an inspirational quote from one of my childhood idols, Mae Mordabito (aka All The Way Mae)

“…what am I supposed to do, huh? Go back to taxi dancin’? Ten cents so some slob can sweat gin all over me? I’m never doin’ that again! So you go back there and you tell ol’ rich Mr. Old Chocolate Man that he ain’t closing ME down!”

Day 8 - January 8th: A week in review

Too lazy to write this now…sad how much that says in itself. Rain check?

Geek Squad: It’s 4:10 in the morning and I just taught my self how to manipulate html code?

I knew there had to be some explanation for all those dashes and letters! Now you can spread these inspirational words of wisdom to children everywhere with one swift click of a button!

WARNING: In actuality the content on this site is in no way suitable for children. You will do more damage than good exposing them to my dysfunctional mind..That’s a fact, not an opinion.

Daily dose of embarrassment:

You know those moments, where you’re walking down the street, with your head phones bumpin’ and suddenly a song comes on that gives you this unbelievable facade of confidence? Like you suddenly tranform from being a clumsy 5’9” Ginger whose hair is all sorts of crazy, and whose eyes won’t stop watering from the frigged wind - into Foxy Cleopatra; the perfectly composed, leggy black sex kitten with an affection for small guns and danger. Who with a single glance could either kill a man or bring him to his knees.

…so naturally one of those moments occurred on my way to work today as soon as  Wyclef Jean busted out “Stayin Alive”. I had the stride of a Siberian Tiger, and the smug mug to match,  As I approached the intersection, my eyes lock with this smokin hot man on the other side of the street, and all I can think is “Oh yeah, he’s lookin at me, lookin at him, lookin back at me, lookin fine..” and BAM!

I step off the curb, trip violently over my ragged Doc Martens, and fly straight into the street almost colliding head on with a biker, who fully had the right away. I casually attempt to shake it off and look up just in time to catch Mr. plaid scarf jacket man smirk, shake his head, turn the corner, and walk away…

COME ON! Really universe? You couldn’t have just done me a solid and let that one slide?

Day 5 - January 5th

So, it’s 2:45 in the morning…and I’m laying here, glazy eyed trying to figure out how I can spin the event’s of the evening so I don’t sound like a complete degenerate…but all I can focus on is this tiny box, lost amongst a sea of scattered jewelry on my dresser. Hiding under a stack of three month old magazines I’ll never read, and bills I have no intention of paying, is the most adorable little package of gourmet chocolates, which were given to me as a parting gift at Jean George’s Christmas day…how the hell did I not eat those already???

As I lean half way out of bed, reaching cautiously across the mass of useless crap that is living on my dresser, I am barely able to hold my balance long enough to avoid a serious face plant… but apparently not long enough to avoid dumping the entire bowl of Tortilla Chips that was sitting in my lap. Despite this Mexican Fiasco I maintain focus, strrrreeeeeeeeeettch it out just a little more…and, score! Got em

The only thing that would make these better, is a Manhattan…up…with a twist. There is just something profound about the combination of whiskey and chocolate…Hearing my self, I suddenly can’t help but picture some cheesy motivational speaker inside a high school gymnasium somewhere, freeze framing this exact moment on a VHS player. She’d push up her thick rimmed glasses and point her judgey finger up at me on sceen; lit like a Christmas tree, laying in bed covered in broken tortilla chips, ecstatic over the prospect of eating two week old candy. And she’d say something like, “Kids, do you really wanna end up like this sad spinster?..she probably has cat’s…lot’s of cats…and if she doesn’t, she will. So stay in school and get a real job!!!”

What a buzz kill. Maybe I should save the chocolates for another time…

…eh f*ck it - Judge all you want, but I am dry, decaffeinated and alone in this bed…which can only mean one thing, the Detox is working!…As for the rest of the plan…not so much.